Things You Should Never Say In a Relationship
At one time or another we’ve probably all have said something to our mate that we’ve regretted. There are some toxic phrases that you can’t come back from. What are they? Read on.
Don’t threaten divorce or a break-up…unless you really mean it.
When you threaten divorce, you may regret it later. “It shows that you’re not truly committed to the marriage lasting forever, making your spouse feel rejected and preventing him from feeling safe loving you,” says Tracey Steinberg, a Dateologist® and author of Flirt For Fun & Meet THE One. But once it’s been said, the damage has been done to your marriage, even if it’s an idle threat. You’re telling your partner that you have one foot out the door. And it will eventually take its toll on him. “Divorce is never something to be expressed unless you’ve explored every avenue of making it work together,” says Antonia Hall, MA, a psychologist, relationship expert, and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. “Just the mention of it in jest can cause serious hurt and doubt in his mind and serious damage to the relationship.” These 15 types of arguments may mean the end of your relationship.
Don’t call him or her a liar
“Trust is imperative for a successful relationship,” says Hall. If you suspect he’s being untruthful, telling him straight out that you don’t believe him will usually backfire. Instead, say, “I’m having trouble believing you’re telling me the entire story.” It’s less inflammatory and accusatory. Focus on asking questions about a particular incident to fully open the lines of communication. “The idea is to listen rather than fire off harsh statements,” says Stacey Laura Lloyd, the Dating Expert for about.com. “By gathering all the facts first, you’ll be in a much better position to understand your spouse’s behavior and then react appropriately.”
Don’t tell them how to react to something
In the same vein are also “Calm down,” “Don’t get so defensive,” and “You’re being too sensitive.” Sometimes people make comments like these to stop their partner from being so upset—but it can make the person feel like his emotions aren’t justified, valid, or being heard. “You want your partner to feel safe showing and voicing his vulnerability without fear of judgment,” says Laurel House, a dating and empowerment coach on E!’s Famously Single.So, he may get even more mad. “If your intent is to make him less upset and agitated, you’ll have the exact opposite outcome,” says Lloyd. “These phrases are perceived as demeaning directives that belittle and degrade your partner.” And he’ll respond with anger, volatility, and hostility. “Rather than telling him how to feel and react to the matter at hand, you’ll be better able to resolve things by letting him vent and listening carefully to what he’s saying,” Lloyd says.
Don’t speak in absolutes(a.k.a…always & never)
“You’re always late.” “You never put away the laundry.” When you use these phrases, they’re rarely truthful or productive, and always hurtful. You’re telling your partner that he can never do anything right and that you don’t think he can change. “When you say these words, you’re essentially making a character assassination,” says Syrtash. Studies show that when you put your partner’s character down, you’re even more likely to head for divorce. Next time, Steinberg says, “Sweetly ask for exactly what you want and tell him how happy it would make you.” You might say, “Sweetheart, it would make me so happy if you pick up your socks from next to the bed in the mornings.”
Refrain from saying…”I told you so”
This is a classic example of something you shouldn’t say, pretty much ever. No one likes to be told they’re dumb or feel belittled. “The unspoken and unwelcome message is that you’re smarter than he is,” says Lloyd. “This type of comment does nothing to remedy the situation at hand.” When things go how you predicted rather than how your spouse expected, he’s more than aware of the outcome, says Lloyd. And he doesn’t need to be reminded.